Televised Live With No Preparasian

Like my mom, my instinct before tests was always to procrastinate, cram like hell, and pat myself on the back for getting an A+ on a test. My father, on the other hand, would set study schedules that required regulated eating patterns on top of rote memorization, practice tests, and self-administered pop quizzes. He always passed exams with flying colors because he was always 100% prepared. It was no wonder, then, that he was surprised to find himself with a blank mind once and one time only--during his final University thesis, an oral exam administrated by his University mentor. He couldn't believe it--he just stammered, unable to reach for the solution to the one question in the world he couldn't possibly have answered, eventually mumbling his way through enough adequate bullshit peppered with appropriate-sounding words. Somehow, he wasn't busted, and he passed.

This moment, which I now refer to as "Dad's Singular Moment of Desperasian" was arguably one of the worst in my father's life--and we're talking about a man who fought in the opposing army to his own Pop and crossed the Ocean not once, but twice, during the Vietnam war--because he felt responsible for his own downfall. He hadn't prepared 100% this time. He had clearly only prepared 98%.

Later, he was so determined that none of his four daughters would ever experience such a shameful event (oh lofty goals), pressing on us for years to study with diligince and respect, and never be caught empty handed when knowledge was meant to be on our side.

So you can imagine how horrified Dad would be if Kevin James, right wing radio host for KRLA in Los Angeles, was his son. No, not just because he's a goofy, loud-mouthed, and not Asian (I'm sure there would be lots of questions for Mom)--but because yesterday he got his ass handed to him on Hardball. He hadn't thought to prepare.

We've all observed George W. Bush's deplorable choice to make a pointed attack on Obama's foreign policy. CNN reports:

"Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along," Bush said at Israel's 60th anniversary celebration in Jerusalem.

"We have heard this foolish delusion before," Bush said in remarks to Israel's parliament, the Knesset. "As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: 'Lord, if only I could have talked to Hitler, all of this might have been avoided.' We have an obligation to call this what it is — the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history."

And many of us immediately racked our brains for the historical facts. Bush referring to "appeasement" suddenly made many of us think about Former British prime minister Neville Chamberlin, who the urged the cessation of a large part of the Czechoslovakian state to Germany in 1938. And if it didn't, the rest of us probably googled "appeasement" and "1938" to start doing our research.

But before going on Hardball to spar with host Chris Matthews and Air America President Mark Green, James did not think, nor google, nor prepare. So after much ranting loudly about how proud he was of Bush's comments, and how appropriate those historical references were, he could not confirm any historical knowledge. In fact, he simply couldn't answer Matthews's one simple question: Historically, what did Neville Chamberlin do that was so wrong?

Witness:

Being busted this badly in public just shouldn't happen. Being called "pathetic" when you're live to camera just shouldn't happen. I tell you, I cringe violently from embarrassment when I hear James trying to fake it ("He was...an appeaser!") or fight his flustered feelings ("Nevin Chamber was... an appeaser, Chris!"). My heart actually aches a little for his hot little head, scrambling for some other word that doesn't rhyme with "geezer."

And I just wish James had either done his homework or had a dad like mine. At least before he humiliated himself on live television.

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Thanks, RJ!

Korean Psycho

Did something get lost in translasian during this interview with Time magazine or does Korean pop star Rain sound a lot like Patrick Bateman (as played by my boyfriend Christian Bale) in American Psycho?

When he asks the interviewer, "Do you know kimchi? It's perrrfect. It's amazing," I half-expected him to bust out a chainsaw!




Thanks, Jasmine!

Rejection and Humiliasian

Not everyone shares my love for Vince Vaughn, which is good whether or not he's puffy 'n' old or young 'n' Brando-ish, smoking hot or smoking too many ciggie-butts, drinking too many scotches or... being a Republican or... whatever. Doesn't matter. I love the dude.

Vaughn isn't known for being all that particular in the female department--all signs seem to point to success if you've got a round rump and a couple of Patron shots at your disposal. So I have to admit, I was surprised as everybody else when I read yesterday's "news" of Vaughn turning down a threesome offer recently at local LA bar.

(I know. I can't believe people actually put this total ca into print either. But without it, there would be no DISGRASIAN.)

I'm actually quite shocked that any girl would take such a blatant and shameful rejection and make it public, but I suppose minute fame these days is far more important than shame. I can't say that I would ever relive a romantic dismissal again, certainly out loud, to a friend or a tabloid. I may have too much pride. But that's just me.

I know everyone's asking the same question: "VINCE VAUGHN turned down a 3-way? He wouldn't turn away a 3-eyed cow with a skirt on! Why would he do such a thing? WHY? Is he growing up? Did the girls remind him of Jon Favreau? WHY? WHY? HOW?"

I asked these questions to myself all morning, and then decided: any man that turns down free romps is doing so for a reason. And my theory... is that the girls were actually PETA bikini protestors. Nobody likes a pale, vegan orgy.

Nobody.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! California Supreme Court Justice Ming Chin

Thursday, May 15th, was a historic moment for California and, we hope, the rest of America. In a 4-3 decision, the California Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on same-sex marriage. The ruling will be final and allow our gay and lesbian friends to legally and fabulously wed in 30 days. Hoorgay, Golden State!

Our joy was somewhat mitigayted, however, upon learning that one of the three dissenting judges is Associate Justice Ming Chin. Chin sided with Judge Marvin Baxter, who wrote in his dissenting opinion:

"The majority...simply does not have the right to erase, then recast, the age-old definition of marriage, as virtually all societies have understood it, in order to satisfy its own contemporary notions of equality and justice."

Party poop!

Anygay, the real bummer for us is that Judge Chin is kinda Amazian. He grew up the youngest of 8 children in a Chinese immigrant family. His parents--who didn't even have the opportunity to finish grammar school--were potato farmers in rural Oregon. Chin edited his college yearbook, which is so nerdy cute, and served in Vietnam. And though he's a conservative, Chin's proven to be pro-choice. Plus, he sort of resembles our Dads--with that trim haircut and shy, slightly-pained smile--and that gives us fuzzy tummy feelings.

BUT.

As y'all know, it's a thin line between love and disgrayce. And if you're not a Friend of a Friend of Dorothy, then you're no Friend of DISGRASIAN, either.

Court is dismissed!

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Thanks, Dave!

Bai Want Candy

Bai Ling is from Chengdu, China. Chengdu is the capital of Sichuan province, where--if you've been living under a rock--a devastating earthquake struck Monday. Bai's family still lives in Chengdu and, naturally, she was worried for them and wrote about it in a blog entry called "Sad news from my home town....." (Everyone in her family, as it turns out, is fine.) The post is inexplicably accompanied by a picture of Bai in a wedding gown and shows that Bai's mind is as slippery as her nipples:

"I glad everyone is fine in my family, but feel sad for the people whom lost life and home and spirit.

Yes it looks like a wedding gown I am waring now, but I am not getting married, but like the idea, maybe one day? Maybe Soon?

Just got an offer, will do another film after I finished " Crank 2"..."

Her follow-up post on China's worst natural disaster in 30 years, a disaster that officials are now saying may have claimed 50,000 lives, is called, "A gift for you for today, espacialy the ones in my home town whom suffered when the earth decide to move without our melody....... "

And what, you ask, is Bai's espacial gift for the quake victims?

Brace yourselves:

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Hot(?) Chicks

It's a bad week to be a chicken, especially in Seoul, where detection of the bird flu virus led to the slaughter of all poultry in the South Korean capital (about 15,000 birds in all).

Fortunately, the PETA chicks who protested the United Egg Producers in D.C. Wednesday are All USDA. In advance of the cage-in, the animal-rights group released a description of the event:

Wearing sexy yellow bikinis outside the legislative meeting of the United Egg Producers in Washington on Wednesday, six PETA beauties will crowd into three cramped cages to mimic conditions for laying hens on factory farms.

To our delight, one of our Washington readers sent us the transcript from the protest earlier today:


CHICK ON LEFT: Yeah, that's right. Chubby vegans DO exist.

CHICK ON RIGHT: People say I'm a dead-ringer for Fairuza Balk.

CHICK ON LEFT: Who?

CHICK ON RIGHT: Or Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire.

CHICK ON LEFT: Well, people say my juicy booty's identical to Beyonce's. And, no, I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

CHICK ON RIGHT: I would've been huge in the 90's.

CHICK ON LEFT: You wanna see huge? Let's talk about these chichis.

CHICK ON RIGHT: I think I have early onset of osteoporosis.

CHICK ON LEFT: Sometimes, I eat Popeye's chicken in secret, and then I want to cut myself. All because I have the face of a man.


CHICK ON LEFT: I don't wear SPF. I think it's all a scam. I like to be natural, except for the occasional visit to Solar Planet Tanning.

CHICK ON RIGHT: What I wouldn't give for a cheeseburger right now.

CHICK ON LEFT: I mean, what's all this about "sun damage"? I'm sorry, I don't buy it.

CHICK ON RIGHT: Tanning is murder.

CHICK ON LEFT: You have low-blood sugar. You don't know what you're saying.

CHICK ON RIGHT: Your décolleté looks like crepe paper.

CHICK ON LEFT: Excuse me?

CHICK ON RIGHT: I can't take this anymore.

Chick on Right turns her sign around to reveal a handwritten sign that reads, "WILL SUCK MEAT FOR MEAT."

CHICK ON RIGHT: (weakly) Will suck meat for meat! Will suck meat for meat!

A crowd of people starts to gather.

CHICK ON LEFT: (to crowd) What the fuck are you all looking at? She's just hungry! She's not used to being in the sun! I mean, look at her! Nothing to see here, people! Move along!

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S-Iraqcrifices

President Bush said in an interview on Tuesday that he gave up golf in 2003 because of the Iraq War.

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander-in-chief playing golf," he said. "I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them."

Other sacrifices Bush made out of respect for our soldiers include giving up the following:

hard-shelled tacos, watching VH1's The Flavor of Love, cufflinks, using a battery-powered nose-hair trimmer instead of tiny scissors, aromatherapy candles, learning Spanish, silk boxers, Velveeta dip, having sex with Laura, retractable Sharpie pens, and, the hardest of them all...having the White House chefs cut the crusts off of his sandwiches instead of doing it himself.

Poor, poor George!

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Kung-Fu Pander

Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, and Jack Black
at the Cannes Film Festival Premiere of 'Kung Fu Panda'

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I'm bored.

ANGELINA JOLIE: I'm pregnant.

LUCY LIU: I'm one-note.

JACK BLACK: I'm WACKY!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I'm kind of having an existential crisis right now.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Y'know, having children really helps with that.

LUCY LIU: [clears throat] Ahem, excuse me, Angie.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Hmm? What's up?

LUCY LIU: You and Fat Belly 2 are blocking my birthing hips--I mean my dress.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Excuse me?

LUCY LIU: Nothing. Nothing. Only YOU get to me mom-lady. Fine. FINE. I'll just stand over here and be nobody. Y'know what, just drop it okay? We'll talk about it later.

ANGELINA JOLIE: No, drop what? What are you talking about?

JACK BLACK: I'm FUNNY!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I'm old.

LUCY LIU: I wanna get out of here.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Umm, hi, irrelevant TV star? What are you trying to say?

LUCY LIU: Nothing. NOTHING! Urg. Fine... This is my problem with you. I thought we were both on the bitch train to fame.

ANGELINA JOLIE: What bitch train? What is that?

LUCY LIU: We were hot sexy bitches. That was going to make us huge. And then you became Mother Teresa, while I became a lesbian vampire. And now I do mostly television.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Is that somehow my fault?

LUCY LIU: I feel like it must be. You bailed! What ever happened to the sex siren? I thought being a sex siren was in!

JACK BLACK: I think sex is in. Way in. And out. And in. And out.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I'm rich.

ANGELINA JOLIE: I'm sure it is, but I've got, like, fourteen kids now. Being a humanitarian is kinda more where things are going these days.

LUCY LIU: I have a dog.

JACK BLACK: I love dogs.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I'm a dog.

ANGELINA JOLIE: See? You have a dog. That's a start. Next you'll be recycling. Then, you'll be visiting villages in Rwanda.

LUCY LIU: Do I have to touch dirty people?

ANGELINA JOLIE: Yes.

LUCY LIU: [sighs]

ANGELINA JOLIE: It's fun, though. And while you're at it, you buy some pots, some scarves, some babies. And soon, you'll be me!

LUCY LIU: You really think so?

JACK BLACK: I don't think I"ll mind, as long as you have those tatas too.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I'm confused.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Me too.

LUCY LIU: Me too.

JACK BLACK: KUNG FU PANDA!!!

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This Little Piggy Went to the Himalayas...

Last year, when TMZ.com began circulating an angry voicemail that Alec Baldwin left for his 11-year-old daughter Ireland, referring to her as a "rude little pig," everyone around me was shocked, appalled, and horrified at how angry and vicious his remarks were.

I, of course, simply thought: "Hunh. That sounds like Level One 'mad' in the land of Hardass Asian Parenting. I do believe that my parents must have, at some point in my childhood, gotten to Level Five and said things in Vietnamese striking me to hell in a handbasket, expletive, expletive, expletive, 'we wish you had never been born and you are a curse of dishonor unto our family,' expletive expletive. Anyway, what's so terrible about being called a little pig? Sure, it's not the most flattering description, but it's certainly not going to leave a scar."

ANYhoozle... today, Intern Jasmine tipped me off to the news that sixteen tiny little pygmy hogs, the result of a captive breeding project from four rescues, are finally being released into the their natural habitat at the foot of the Himlayas.

TAKE ONE LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE LITTLE PIG! And now you decide: If Baldwin had been trying to insult his daughter, why would he have compared her to something soooooo adorable?

You feel bad for judging El Baldwin now, don't you?? Mmm hmm, that'll show you.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

Happy 30th birthday to gymnast Amy Chow, former member of America's "Mag 7"--that memorable Jello-ad group of teeny-tiny, perfection-driven, gold medal Olympians! We've used a vintage picture of her because it's simply not ladylike to post a photo of a woman after she's retired.

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Thinking Pink

Jeeeeezus, Nick Cannon! Have a little pride, will ya?

If you refuse to (you are, after all, wearing an ill-fitting suit with a pink oxford, while shopping at a very icky second-tier Hello Kitty store) ... just show a little tech-savvy.

Buy direct, and buy online. You'll thank me later, Pinky.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: F*ck Buttons

The single most important thing I did last week was to coordinate two Blackberrys, three credit cards, four friends with connections, five publicists, and six instances of sending my credit card info over unsecured websites in order to snag tickets to a west coast date for the My Bloody Valentine reunion tour. Now all I need is a bag of magic mushrooms and a ride to the show and I'll be set for, basically, the greatest night of my life.

Until then, I'll have to suppress my appetite for ethereal, experimental, mind-twinkling, sonic booms with my new favorite band (thanks to Jen), the Fuck Buttons.

And so shall you.

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Thank you, Jen!