DISGRASIAN™

Solidarasian

2008-07-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

We don't always see eye-to-eye with the activism efforts of PETA's aggressive (nutjob) leader Ingrid Newkirk, but that doesn't mean we don't sometimes play for the same team.

This week, Newkirk sent Stone (and her agent at ICM) a letter containing a truly thoughtful offer. Allow us to provide an excerpt:

I am writing with an offer that could provide an opportunity for you to escape all future public condemnation when you show insensitivity to the suffering of others.

Given that millions of people - including children - were killed, injured, and left homeless by the recent earthquake in China, everyone was shocked to hear you dismiss the devastating effects of this disaster. However, your cavalier attitude did not come as a surprise to us. We are used to the indifference that you flaunt and the callous remarks that you make about the suffering and death of the animals whose fur you wear so often.

Scientific studies suggest that the prefrontal regions of the brains of people who lack empathy might be underdeveloped. Here’s our offer: Would you allow PETA to pay for a scan of the prefrontal region of your brain to determine if comments and actions that seem to demonstrate a lack of empathy are the result of a physical defect?

Ms. Newkirk, we've consulted ourselves and our dads (doctors of science and medicine) and we all think you may be on to something. We believe so wholeheartedly in this cause, that we'd like to offer to pay half of whatever the cost of Stony McStonerson's brain scan.*

We can't think of a cause more worthy. Finally! Answers!

*this offer subject change in light of DISGRASIAN bank account standings. We will probably charge this on our maxed-out AmEx and then call the creditors citing fraud. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

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Who Is "The F*ck God"?

2008-07-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, poetry has always confused the hell out of me. Once I ventured outside of the AB AB rhyme scheme, I was pretty much effed. From a very young age, I kept diaries, I wrote stories, and I had imaginary pen pals (one of whom was named after the regional burger chain Whataburger), but I never fancied myself a poet. Even when I attended a graduate writing program, I avoided poetry. Poets, too, because they're a whole different breed from fiction writers--infinitely cooler, yes, but irritatingly difficult to hold a conversation with. I attribute that to their constant need to distill everything down to its essence.

I've never been much of a reader of poetry, either. I usually get stuck on one image--T.S. Eliot's rolled trousers, William Carlos Williams' plum. I experienced that same confusion when I read the following poem, penned by Tila Tequila after she got dissed at the pink-and-blue disco-altar during the Shot at Love 2 finale:

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can't wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy.....fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can't deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace....but instead I'll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming....I let you touch me....now that it's over bitch....You better start running.
Pent up inside....telling these lies....this has gone too far.....the world will soon die.

Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile....brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Sure, she was going through unimaginable pain. Yes, she had been dumped AGAIN. And on TV, no less. But, reading her poem (the only entry tagged "Tila Tequila poetry" on her website), I was drawn to one thing, and one thing only.

WHO IS "THE FUCK GOD"???

I allowed myself to imagine that, if I could only figure out who "The Fuck God" was, the universe would fling open its sacred doors for me. All kinds of mysteries would be revealed. I would get rich! I would get famous! I would have mind-altering sex every day, possibly several times a day! I would finally understand phenomena that have confounded me for years, like the popularity of red shoes and Red Bull! The Grateful Dead and Coldplay! Dancing with the Stars and The Hills! Shorts-with-heels and short pants! Oprah and Rachael Ray! Why hot dogs are always so damned delicious!

This, I believed, was going to be bigger than The Secret.

After scouring the internet for answers, I think I found Him.

Hmm.

Weird.

I don't feel more enlightened.

Huh.

Well, like I said, poetry confuses the hell out of me.

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Thanks, Adriel and DJ Phatrick!

Just a Girl

2008-07-03T11:44:00.001-07:00

Congratulasians to Thomas Beatie, no longer The Pregnant Man, for giving birth to a healthy baby girl! We're sure you'll have plenty to talk about for many years.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

2008-07-03T09:19:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to G4 heroine Olivia Munn, who turned 26 this week! We think the event should be an honorary holiday for your legions of adoring followers--gamers, tech-geeks, and hipsters alike! And we would have sent an e-card to tell you so, but we're sure your inbox is FULL.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: DISGRASIANixies

2008-07-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

While perusing the limited organic deli options at the Beverly Hills Whole Foods today, I overheard one of those awfully average boring-chick conversations that tend to ruin the tone of the whole day for the casual observer. Two verynormal girls in verynormal clothes and verynormal hairdos were texting side-by-side on their verynormal blackberrys, discussing one of their pending "not-a-'date'-date dates for this evening.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: It's not a "date"-date.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: How do you know? Where are you gonna go for dinner?

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: I don't know. He told me to choose.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: What are you gonna choose?

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: I don't KNOW! I'm not sure what we should do.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: Oh, that's cool.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: Yeah.

(long pause)

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: He keeps texting me all of this stuff I don't understand. Like he said he would play guitar for me and I asked him what his favorite guitar is, and he wrote, [pulls out blackberry] "Definitely the Fender Mustang or the Gibson Lay Paul, or the Gibson SG, a classic." Do you have any idea what that means? I mean, if he plays guitar for me, I think that's like hot.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: Really hot.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: Rockers are like, hot or whatever... but I don't understand any of this stuff he's telling me about. Anyway, who cares?

VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: [chuckles]

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: I think guitars are hot.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: Yah, me too.

VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: Is hummus fattening?

It is during moments like these that I wonder why there are so many uncool, boring-ass girls in the world and who the hell dates them, anyway? I also start to think of phrases like, "youth is wasted on the young" and "rock is wasted on the masses" and "I hate boring chicks."

My beloved writing partner, Jen, is no such boring chick. I am struck by this thought frequently, especially when she's doing something cool. Like stating definitively that The Coffin is a bitchin' axe. Or singing like Patsy Cline. Or rocking Balenciaga as casually as if it were Banana Republic.

The folks at Rock Band announced that the entire album of The Pixies' "Doolittle" was available for XBOX 360 download on Monday, and by 11pm that night, Jen and I were cruising right through "Gouge Away" to "Debaser." As she channeled her inner Loverling and blasted through drum parts on expert, I looked at her and thought, "That lady, with those sticks, is so fucking cool."

And then I looked at myself, playing alongside her and thought, "Shit man, I must be cool too."

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File Under Weird Indian Behavior

2008-07-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Introducing the "Ooogle" sari, by Indian designer Satya Paul:

For those who feel that wearing the logo of a bajillion dollar Internet juggernaut comes off as a little ostentatious, perhaps you'd like to consider the much more subtle "Money" sari or the understated yet still fashion-forward "Barcode" sari:

None of these saris, however, hold a candle to the Toilet Paper Wedding Dress.

(via Our Delhi Struggle)

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Odds and Ends

2008-07-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

WHAT THEY MEAN BY "UGLY ODDS"

Calling all gambling addicts! Tired of throwing your money away on horses, baseball, and boxing? Why not bet on a contest that you can also jerk it to?

Betting odds for the 2008 Miss Universe pageant were recently massaged-and-released, and Miss Venezuela, Dayana Mendoza (pictured left), is the front-runner (+625 odds). The only lady of Asian Persuasian to make it into the top ten is Miss India, Simran Kaur Mundi (+1100).

Three other Asian contestants--Malaysia (+7000), Sri Lanka (+8000), and Japan (+8000)--are languishing in the bottom 20:

So, if you're feeling lucky, put your money where your mouth wants to be. I mean, "is."

WHAT THEY MEAN BY "GAY"

Y'all know I love me a gay. Even a Tyson Gay, the U.S. sprinter who won the 100 M dash at the Olympic Trials this weekend. (Gay's time of 9.68 seconds did not break the world record of 9.72 seconds because he was aided by tailwind). My love for this Gay is rooted mostly in the fact that he, in addition to being awesomely fast, gives good headline:

"GAY MAKES HIS POINT"

"Gay's display dazzling"

"Is Gay’s big day too good to be true?"

"Gay blows field away (with wind's help)"

Christian news site OneNewsNow is not with me on this, as they republished an AP story on Gay's weekend victory by auto-replacing the word "gay" with "homosexual."

OneNewsNow apparently considers "gay" to be a bad word.

What a bunch of homosexuals!

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Thanks, Doctor Rob!

The War on Terror Rages On

2008-07-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

TERRORIST ALERT!!!

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Late Registrasian

2008-07-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

PerezHilton.com just reported that Heidi Montag, who will turn 22 this year, joined her douchebag boyfriend Spencer Pratt at the DMV... and finally registered to vote! Wow! We're so impressed we could justzzZZZzZzZzzzz...

zzzZzzZZzzurpOH! Um. Good... job? Sure, you should have done this four years ago, but who's counting?

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Slow News Day?

2008-07-02T04:52:00.000-07:00

Great news, everyone! E! Online announced Monday that George Clooney is "still single." E! also reported that Sarah Larson, Clooney's last girlfriend, is "still that still-single guy's ex-nobody what'sherface."

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Abject Humiliasian

2008-07-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

Even though we kiiiiiinda think that Tila Tequila's producers took Kristy--her last woman suitor standing--aside and whispered in her ear, "There's an extra 5k in it for you if Tila picks you to prove she's bi, but you reject her so she can still bang dudes" ...we still really, really, really, really, really, really enjoyed watching Tila get rejected in her own fake final eliminasian tonight.

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

PFFFHAHAHA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

HA HA HA HA!

MMRRGGHHA HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

As You Wish?

2008-07-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

CNN.com recently aired a piece on a new concept-based cafe that allows Tokyo women to be "princesses"--that is, wear fake tiaras and dine on sweets and teas--while being waited on men.

Or, to be more clear, "Western" dudes.

According to the CNN report, female cafe owner Yuki Hirohata came up with the concept by walking the streets of Tokyo's Shibuya ward. Two hundred women told her that they wanted a cafe where the waiters were all "male, good looking, treated them nice, but most importantly, were Western."

"'Being a gentleman is embarrassing for Japanese men,' says cafe owner Yuki Hirohata. 'Our culture isn't like that.' Hirohata says women are exhausted by the rules of Japanese society, unyielding in its expectations of a woman's role in maintaining a career, home, husband, and family.

'We're tired from our daily lives,' says [a] customer. 'These guys are different from Japanese men. They're smoother, and make me feel special.'"

Um, what the hell is going on? First of all, everybody knows the whole "princess" thing is tired and requires far more than a cheap tiara and some tea (get me DIAMONDS! AND GOWNS! AND SOME PEACOCKS!) to be properly executed.

Moreover, are we gonna sit back and let a bunch of sleazy expats take all the credit for gentlemanly behavior? COME ON, bros! Time to step it up! Let's (you) open some doors, and pull out some chairs, and pour some champagne, and put some caviar on blini with some creme fraiche and egg whites! And how about some sexy tunes? And how about taking the dog out while we're (you're) at it?

All of this is not hard and I know there are gentlemen among you...so step it up and hold on to our ladies! This is a matter of pride.

Ick.

...Especially cuz, er, the bar for chivalry actually seems pretttttty low.

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Thanks, Maris!

Hit Zimbabwe Where It Hurts

2008-07-01T13:02:00.001-07:00

Zimbabwe is kinda the most unpopular kid in school right now, sitting alone at the losers' table in the cafeteria (world isolation), with the jocks (the U.S. and Britain) constantly trying to take away its lunch money. But even losers make friends eventually, and Zimbabwe found some yesterday in the form of India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, and Bangladesh. These Asian countries have, in one way or another, suggested that they will oppose any ban of Zimbabwe...in the sport of CRICKET.

I'm sorry...what the fuck is cricket again? Baseball with paddles? Is it kinda like croquet? Which sport was in the movie Heathers? Is there a reason why cricket batters wear so much body armor that they resemble microwaved marshmallows? Cricket players are usually hot, right? But what's with those sweater vests?

Then again, I suppose, losers can't be choosers, and Zimbabwe could really use, in the words of the International Herald Tribune, this "cricketing lifeline." Given that the average life expectancy for Zimbabwean men is 37 and for women, 34, one-fifth of the population has HIV/AIDS, and the country has been plagued by rigged elections, unthinkable inflation, and man-made famine, letting Zimbabwe play ball--or, for that matter, banning them from doing so--seems VERY HELPFUL.

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BABEWATCH: Mark Kanemura

2008-07-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Name: Mark Kanemura

Hails from: Hawaii

Occupation: Dancer and So You Think You Can Dance contestant

Why He's a Babe: Because he has the look of a silent film villain who would tie a girl to the railroad tracks--dark eyes and a perpetual sneer--but he's warm and goofy. And when he dances, he looks like a bag o' bones about to be shake-and-baked. And because of those pokey ears! Without which he might be just another pretty face with moves, instead of a fan favorite and bona fide contender.

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Everybody Must Get Famous

2008-07-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

The UK's Sun rag recently got very excited about some comments that Sir Ben Kingsley made recently regarding the ~~diseased, prefab, celebutarded, no-talent fucks~~ less gifted actors that seem to be making a killing in today's Hollywood scene.

Below, a breakdown of some of his thoughts (the entirety of which we find ourselves in mixed response):

“Some young people are told they’re actors and they’re not.
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Why, we couldn't agree more. We've been saying this about all of those diseased, prefab, celebutarded, no-talent fucks for years!

“It’s unfair to exploit a young person who may look good on a magazine cover and tell them they can be in movies.
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Unfair shmunfair. You wanna talk about exploitation? Go call up Gwen Stefani.

“You’re lifting their expectations so high and then pulling the rug from under their feet when the audience gives them a thumbs-down.
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Like our mothers would say, "It's not our fault when you fail."

“We throw people away too easily but should never invite them in the first place.”
DISGRASIAN thoughts: Hear hear! Shred the shit out of those invitations. The party's all here.

“I have my own drug – it’s called acting. I get completely stoned on it.”
DISGRASIAN thoughts: We're not with you on this one. Try AK47 medicinal marijuana. That'll show you stoned, Sir Wacktor.

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Tore Up Fasian

2008-06-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Sharon,

Are you on your way to the funeral for your career as a sexpot? Or is yours the beat-up, tired, sad face of a woman who got her ass handed to her by the entire country of China? If so, remind me never to get up in their grill, ever. You look like shit, and I sure as heck don't wanna.

All best,
Diana

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Now This Is What We Call a Crotch Shot

2008-06-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

Fuck that.

THIS is what we call a crotch shot:

(Spain eventually beat in Germany's balls 1-0 in the European Championship final. ¡Viva La Nutcracking!)

AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Major General Antonio Taguba

2008-06-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

Name: Major General Antonio Taguba

Occupation: Army Man and Truth Teller

Known for: Man-ing up, blowing the lid off of human rights abuses at Abu Ghraib, getting unceremoniously forced into retirement for doing the right thing, accusing the Bush administration of war crimes, looking really damn studly in uniform.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Chopping Sticks

2008-06-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

Miss Spelling

2008-06-30T11:44:00.001-07:00

The Miss Universe pageant is currently underway in Vietnam and pageant organizers have already demonstrated that they can't spell "Philippines." Miss Philippines Jennifer Barrientos' sash read "Miss Phillippines" for three days before the mistake was corrected. I only learned about this because I happen to have a Google Alert for "Phillipines." That's right, with two L's. Because I, um...am on a mission to rid the world of its ignorance when it comes to spelling the name of this Southeast Asian island-nation. Yes, that's it! And to do that, I have to be hypervigillant. I have to scour the web for Phillippineses. I have to sleep with one eye open just so that I can be on the lookout at ALL TIMES for those hatefull two L's. The devills who commit this crime over and over must be stopped, and I, uh...

...I maybe can't spell "Philippines" either.

The Miss Universe pageant airs July 13 on NBC.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! George W. Bush

2008-06-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

We know what you're saying. President Dubya is DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK? SNOOZER! The man is a walking, never-ending, spit-in-your-face, embodiment of disgrace. What the hell took you guys so long?

Our short answer to that is a question: would you rush to put that photo (above) up on your blog? We don't think so!

But we could resist no longer after reading the White House transcripts of Bush's recent meeting with Filipino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, which occurred on Tuesday amidst her country's recovery from this month's devastating typhoon.

Dubya did his best to make his guest feel comfortable by letting her know that he was familiar-like with her kind.

From (to avoid linking you directly to the White House site--it's for your own good) the Huffington Post:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Madam President, it is a pleasure to welcome you back to the Oval Office. We have just had a very constructive dialogue. First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there's a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House. (Laughter.)

PRESIDENT ARROYO: Yes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: And the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President.

PRESIDENT ARROYO: Thank you.

My word, what a gentleman! And what an ice breaker. But we wonder... in Dubya's head, does the transcript look more like this?: Our cook is Flip-a-penes American, howdy hoo! Do ya know her? Aw, y'all eat rice or grape leaves or somethin'. Aw, my brain sure is tired.

All we know is the Prez seems like a really nice, really aware guy. Rest assured that me 'n my ladies--that is, nail ladies--can't wait to have our own chat with him some day.

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Thanks, Eliza and Jasmine!

One Pregnant Teen Not Creepy, Just Totally Inept

2008-06-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Not That Hard, Really

First there was a pregnancy pact, then there wasn't.

Midweek, Lindsey Oliver, one of the 17 pregnant Gloucester teens, denied that there had ever been a pact among her high school girlfriends to get wit child:

“There was definitely no pact,” Oliver told “Good Morning America.” “There was a group of girls already pregnant that decided they were going to help each other to finish school and raise their kids together. I think it was just a coincidence.”

Oliver also maintained that she had gotten pregnant "by accident" and had been on the Pill.

Pregnant on the Pill? Sure it happens, kinda like when your dog eats your homework. The FDA lists pregnancy rates when using the Pill between .1%, if taken properly, and a mere 5%, if you're a fuckup. Condoms, when used properly, have a pregnancy rate of 3%. Even the pull-out method, which was what the girls who got knocked up at my high school would use to "protect" themselves, has a pregnancy rate of only 4% when performed properly.

Key word: "properly." So, either Lindsey Oliver is a total dumbass or maybe, just maybe, she hasn't been schooled properly. And to think there are people who still believe that American teens don't really need a proper sex education.

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Such Great Heights

2008-06-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

News outlets are alive with yesterday's word that "Professor Splash," (aka Darren Taylor) a professional high-diver, broke his own Guinness World Record for highest shallow water dive at Colorado hotspot, Hyland Hills Water World.

Even though we don't think he's an actual professor (like Jen's dad), we have to give Taylor props for accomplishing this lifelong pursuit of a world record! Our parents have always wanted us to break some kind of world record--most lives saved, most consecutive perfect gymnastics scores, least amount of time needed to find a disease cure--and we've never been able to do it.

But Taylor is a world champion! And more than that, a man who has reached his lifelong goal!

...of um, diving 35 feet, 4 inches. Into a kiddie pool. Filled with 12 inches of iced water.

Er... congratulasians? The competition must have been very stiff.

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Ricism of Olympic Proportions

2008-06-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

"Eat me!"

Somebody tell me this Reuters story's not true--"Japanese athletes begin chopstick-less 'food camp'":

TOKYO (Reuters) - Japanese athletes have begun a spartan, chopstick-free Chinese food training program to help them acclimatize for this year's Beijing Olympics.

First of all, a message to Japanese Olympians: SACKTHEFUCKUP. You have to train for speed, strength, and endurance. You have to train to win a gold medal (or a silver or bronze, if you're cool with slightly disappointing your country). You don't have to "train" to eat Chinese food, candy asses.

Second, a message to Beijing Olympic organizers: WHATTHEFUCK. You're in China, you're serving Chinese food, ergo, you need to provide some muthafuckin chopsticks.

ENDOFSTORY.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

A Case of Mistasian Identity, Sorta

2008-06-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

The internet is abuzz, sorta, about new celebrity couple Keanu Reeves and China Chow!

They're Eurasian! They love St. Tropez! They're really really really pale!

Just Jared, described in the Vanity Fair Blogopticon as a "kinder, gentler celebrity-gossip blog, chockablock with exclamation points!", seems to have the most pictures of the ghostly, sorta-famous pair, who were described as:

"...play fighting in the water and doing some sort of dance/karate stances along the shore."

Witness said "karate stance"!

Hmm...is Just Jared invoking "karate" because Keanu and China are both Asian, sorta?!

That's weird, since Jared's Asian!

But wait!

That's not even China Chow doing "karate" on the beach! Let's compare photos! China is on the left, in a blue bikini, and the much-tanner Karate Lady is on the right, in a black bikini:

I know! I can't believe I'm doing a bikinalysis either! But wait! It gets worse! There's also a buttnalysis! The pale midget on the left is China (taken on a different day), the darker Amazon on the right is Karate Lady:

Dude, Jared, that shit's just sloppy. (!).

Source: Just Jared
Thanks, Jasmine!